Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

I admit it, I’m a StumbleUpon addict. And an animal junkie. Not to mention, laughing is one of my favorite past times. So, I’ve decided to put together some of the many pictures of pets and animals that have made me laugh for your viewing pleasure. Enjoy!

 

 

Our task must be to free ourselves… by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature and its beauty.

Albert Einstein

 

 

I needed a smile today, so I thought I’d share what I found….10 Lol Dogs for your Lol-ing pleasure. Enjoy!

 

 

 

“If there is no heaven for dogs, then I want to go where they go when I die.”

-Anonymous

These LOL cats made me LOL, so I thought I would share!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The naming of cats is a difficult matter. It isn’t just one of your holiday games. You may think at first I’m mad as a hatter. When I tell you a cat must have three different names… – T.S. Eliot

I know it’s not quite Friday the 13th yet, but I’m revving up for it! Enjoy!

 

“Where’s your will to be weird? ”
― Jim Morrison

Anyone who lives with cats will find this hilarious! Even those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of sharing their space with a kitty will be laughing this up. I found it at BadPets.net and knew I had to share it as soon as I read it! Enjoy.

Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run

Compiled by Harold Reynolds. Latest update: April 30, 2002.

1. INTRODUCTION

The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy Cat(s) who will have a house to
manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible to cover all
possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of mischief, but the
compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to cover as wide a variety
of topics as possible. It is important that this document be kept out of the hands of
humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to use it to their advantage.

2. FOOD

In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and Hamper, a Cat must eat. Eating,
however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways
to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself.
Obviously the latter should be pursued whenever possible. The following are some guidelines for getting fed.
1. When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
2. Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
3. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human’s glass is full enough to drink from. If a human catches you at it
and chases you away, run back as soon as his back is turned and drink some more (unless he tossed the water into the
sink, of course). See also WATER.
4. The best times to inform humans of your dish’s emptiness are when they are unable to ignore you, such as when they
are sleeping or on the toilet, or you are in one’s lap. If you insist on waking a human at what it considers a
“ridiculously early hour” for breakfast (as with the Early Breakfast CAT CLUB), be warned that the human may be as
likely to throw you outside or in the basement as to feed you. See WAKING THEM UP. If you are installed in a lap,
be extra friendly with purring and head-butting. As soon as you have the human’s attention, leap off and run to your
dish, meowing to make sure you are noticed.
5. Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent–your food will usually not be so polite and will try to leave. If you can’t bebothered to eat the food you’ve just caught, be considerate and don’t waste it; it makes a perfect gift for humans! Carefully pick it up and carry it to the human’s house and, if the door is closed, leave it on the doorstep. If the door is open, or there is a Cat-door, take it inside and leave it somewhere highly visible. The gift will be even more welcome if it is still alive! Live birds and mice make the best
gifts as humans love a good game of chase just as much as you do, although be careful not to help them; it’s their gift after all.
6. Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a Cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don’t forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the “softest” human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare,
twining around people’s legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively, and resting your paws on the human’s leg
and meowing to remind them you’re still interested.
7. Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both Cats and humans. Whenever a human sets a cup of coffee on the floor
within your reach, s/he is showing you great respect and worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until cool (you may
even put your paw in it to make sure the temperature is just right) and then daintily drink it.
8. Occasionally there will be disagreements over what you and the humans will deem as edible. The appropriate action,
should the stuff in question be too repulsive to ignore, is to bury it. Scratch at the floor and try to drag over objects to
cover the offending item. This informs the ignorant human that it really belongs in the litter box.
9. If you steal something from the trash that you are not supposed to have (the greasier the better), remember to drag it onto the carpet, where the smell can be detected and enjoyed for several days even if cleaned. Be sure to growl at your human when she tries to take your prize away.
10. Some humans have one or more large glass tanks filled with water, called “aquariums”. Inside these aquariums are
delicate morsels called fish, which are much prized by Cats as snacks. If possible, leap on top of the tank, flip up the lid
that the humans use to put food into the tank, and stare down until you think you can snag one. Unfortunately, this action will require getting your paw wet, since the fish will not cooperative by jumping out for you, but the result will be worth it. If you can swipe a fish onto the floor, it becomes an amusing toy as it flops around helplessly. Once it is no
longer entertaining, you may eat it. Be warned that the humans will not appreciate your efforts, so try not to get
caught in the same room as the aquarium so they won’t blame you for the mysterious fish population depletion. If
access is denied by the wicked humans, watching the fish swim around is a good way to relax.
11. If humans are preparing a meal or some other food (like cake or cookies) for themselves in the kitchen, and you feel
that you absolutely must sample some of the raw ingredients (especially if they are shrimp, fish, or chicken), there are
a number of ways you can try to help yourself. The first is the most direct, simply leaping onto the counter, grabbing
the first thing that you can and running like mad for cover. This is, of course, the most dangerous method. Better is to
find some way to distract the human by luring him/her from the kitchen so you can sneak in, hopefully unobserved,
and steal/gobble at your (relative) leisure. If you are an only Cat, send something crashing to the floor in another room
and run out before the angry human comes to investigate. If you have an accomplice, get said accomplice to do the
deed. This way you don’t get blamed for the mess, though later you will have to take your turn at being the accomplice.
Sharing the spoils is not required, though it does help promote co-operation for later “crimes”.
12. The Quest For Food should begin at least an hour before the feeding times your humans have set for you, because you just never know when their feeble minds will fail to remind them of the all-important task of nourishing their masters. Phase One consists of verbal reminders and Meaningful Glances at the humans, response to which will range from ignoring in the afternoon or evening to having items thrown at you or being ejected outside if in the (to them) early morning. Phase Two involves more activity on your part. Divide your time between hovering near the empty food dish (perhaps licking it to make sure it’s truly empty) and being under foot and issuing more reminders and Meaningful Glances. Whenever the human’s path takes him/her even approximately in the direction of the food dish or the place where the food is stored, immediately stampede to either of these locations. The response will likely be demands for patience, derogatory comments, and perhaps a kick if you get too closely underfoot. Phase Three, the final phase, involves your escalating Hampering activities to the maximum, plus more direct actions like knocking over items from desks, dressers, kitchen counters, or chewing on books, magazines, plants, etc. Keep one ear open for the humans, who will likely be on the warpath as soon as they realize you have moved into this phase. Finally they will either give in or else it will be feeding time, so be sure to devour your ill-gotten gains and consider your next moves during your postmeal nap.
13. Stools with woven cane seats are wonderful snacks. Sit on the stool and lean over until you’re looking at the bottom
side of the stool. The carefully nibble the choicest canes off the stool. They are handy and tasty, and will last a long
time.You, however, may not unless you confine your snacking activities to when the humans aren’t looking!

2.1 CATNIP

Most Cats think that this strange-looking plant is Food of the Gods and better even than tuna. There are some, however,
who are sadly deprived of the ability to enjoy this wonderful treat and will look upon the others with a mixture of confusion and disgust at the utter lack of Dignity of those partaking. If you are one of the latter, please skip to the next section. Catnip is available in two forms–in the wild as an odd-looking plant that grows in delightfully fragrant, though often rather flattened, patches, and from the humans in a concentrated dried form. Unfortunately, the humans know of our weakness for catnip and will try to hold it out from us, often employing some very ingenious methods to do so. If the humans are careless enough to leave any catnip within reach, it is imperative to get it no matter what you have
to tear apart to do so. Otherwise the humans will use it to attempt to coerce us to do things which would otherwise be beneath us. The greatest hazard of catnip is that it causes those Cats under its influence to utterly lose their Dignity. They roll around foolishly, purr at maximum volume, tear around the house at top speed, and do other things no sane Cat would be caught doing. Do attempt to control yourself, especially if your humans have a “video camera”
and are prone to using it.

3. WATER

Water (also known as Cat Solvent) would be really great if it weren’t so WET! Dripping taps are the best sources of fresh water in the whole house. Toilets are the next best (but the water inside must be COLOURLESS and contain NOTHING!) Therefore it is imperative that any sound of running water be immediately investigated in case a free drink may be obtained. The bathtub is the best place to lurk in the bathroom when a human is present. A plaintive meow or two and perhaps hopefully licking the faucet usually will get most humans to turn on the tap for you. If the bathroom door is closed, demand entry noisily (see DOORS). The water dish is to be used only as a last resort in case the humans leave the toilet lid down and the tub and sink are dry. If a human has a sufficiently wide-mouthed glassful of liquid, immediately stick your face into the glass. If the opening is too narrow, dip your paw into the liquid, swirl it around, and give it the taste test. You may be pleasantly surprised to find beer or even milk! In any case, if the liquid is good, continue to sample, but only while your human is distracted. Some of the best water is ornamented with those cold, hard buoyant cubes that bob up and down in the liquid when pressed lightly. If your human protests, lick the condensation on the outside of the glass.

4. SLEEPING

As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a Cat must get plenty of sleep. It is generally not
difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with
your fur colour. If it’s in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also
exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather
conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
A) Snoring is not a talent unique to humans – if the Cat is sharing a bed with two humans, the well skilled Cat can cause one of the humans to be blamed/swatted/smacked for the deed by the other.
B) If your humans don’t let you into the bedroom at night, make them suffer for it. Even if they give you a nice warm
room of your own to sleep in at night, with a Cat-door to the outside world, that just isn’t good enough. There are
several ways of registering your disapproval.
1. Trash the room they give you to sleep in. After all, the humans don’t sleep in it – so why should you?
2. Fight noisily with other Cats in the neighbourhood, just outside their bedroom window. Make sure that you appear in the morning with as many fresh scars as possible. Spend some time perfecting an aggrieved “Well, I wouldn’t have all
these injuries if you only let me sleep in the bedroom at night” expression.
3. When they finally rise and take a shower or a bath, locate the appropriate drainpipe and yowl up it. That amplified and disembodied “Meow” is sure to surprise them – as is the length of time you can do this without getting hoarse.
4. When they finally come downstairs, and call for you, refuse to use the Cat-door to enter the house. There’s a perfectly good front door they can open. Of course, if they should anticipate you by opening the front door and calling, ignore them. You should only appear by the front door and yowl once they’ve closed it again.

5. PLAY

This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so you are fresh for
your nocturnal games. Below is a good, but not exhaustive, selection of favourite Cat games
that you can play. It is important though to maintain one’s Dignity at all times. If you should
have an accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash a part of your
body as if to say “I MEANT to do that!” It fools those humans every time.

5.1 GAMES

1. Catch Mouse: The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice (not to be confused with Bedding Mice, see below), rumoured to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no Cat has ever been able to catch one. Rumour also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
2. King of the Hill: This game must be played with at least one other Cat. The more, the merrier! One or both of the
sleeping humans is Hill 303 which must be defended at all costs from the other Cat(s). Anything goes. This game
allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the unstable playing theatre into account. A more
extreme version of this is to stage a loud fight with another cat sleeping on the bed, which will immediately wake the
sleeping humans into a state of confusion. If there is a dog sleeping by the bed, you can try to get it involved in
breaking up the fight, which will add greatly to the confusion. This stunt will more than likely result in getting
everyone expelled, so play it sparingly.
WARNING: Playing games (1) and (2), especially the noisier version of (2), to excess will result in expulsion from
the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to
them. This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this occurs,
this Cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
3. Tag (Also known by humans as “Charge of the Light Brigade”): Obviously this game also requires two or more Cats,
and may include a dog as well. One Cat is “it”. The other(s) chase him around the apartment until they catch up to him.
Then follows the “Scrum”, after which the Cat who caught the other becomes “it” and is chased around. Great fun, but
has the greatest potential for loss of Dignity from maneuvers such as the Throw Rug Wipeout and the Non-Carpeted
Floor Skid. Whenever such a situation occurs, all feline participants must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are
generally too stupid to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically becomes “it” and should be
subjected to the Pileup.
4. Tube Mouse: This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning. But that’s OK because you now have a great new toy to pounce on, play with, and shred! Part two of the game is to make the angry human believe that the other Cat did it. This is related to another fun game, “Snowstorm”, in
which you try to make it look like a blizzard has occurred in the room. You can track shreds all over the house for greater enjoyment. A simple variant of this game can be played with Kleenex, which come in boxes in such a way that when you swipe one, another one pops out. You can make a very impressive Snowstorm with a box of Kleenex, and can do it in the living room, which is harder to clean up. Be warned that these games will bring out the Vacuum Monster.
5. Fetch: Dogs will run after a ball or stick that humans throw, take it back to them, and continue doing this until they drop. As established earlier, dogs are not bright. A dignified Cat MAY fetch a ball for its human, but if the human persists in continually throwing the ball away, assume that the human truly does not want it, and leave it. A small minority of Cats will fetch favourite toys like pipe cleaners, twist ties, or other small plastic things. They claim it’s great exercise and doesn’t deprive them of too much Dignity.
6. Kibble Soccer: Any number of Cats can play. The game begins when the referees go to bed. The player runs to the bowl where the dry Cat food is kept, and executes a “place-kick.” The player does this by attempting to kick one kibble from the bowl with a paw. Using the nose and tongue (“heading”) is allowed, but this is considered bad form. Often the bowl must be tipped, rocked or rattled. Once the kibble is out of the bowl and in play, the player proceeds to bat it around the room as quickly as possible. This is accomplished with short alternating swipes with the front paws, running
behind it as it moves (this is also known as the “kibble dribble”). If the kibble gets stuck at the intersection of two walls, the player must attempt to put it back into play with a “corner kick.” If the kibble is still on the playing field after 30 seconds, the player is awarded a point. She is then allowed to eat the kibble, after which she returns to the bowl to put the next one into play. No points are awarded for kibbles that are kicked out of the playing area (under the stove, behind the refrigerator, etc.). These are left for the cockroaches, and other spectators. The player must put a new kibble into play.For equipment, any dry kibble will work, although Science Diet round kibbles roll particularly well. The referees control the pace of the game by waking up (usually after the first few points have been scored) and imposing obstacles between the player and the kibbles. The referees do this by placing covers on top of the bowl, placing the bowl on a counter top or shelf, or otherwise hiding it. An advanced player is measured by the degree of ingenuity displayed in overcoming the obstacles between herself and the kibbles and resuming the game. The game ends when all the kibbles are eaten or out of the playing field, or when a referee puts the player in the penalty box.

7. Rumpus Raising

Step 1: Warm up by tearing through the hallways and over furniture at high speeds. Be sure to drag your claws and make zzzzzrt noises on the rugs. Furniture that is off limits during the daytime makes great springboards. (Even more fun with two or more participants.) Important style points are gained during this step. 2 extra points if you get a yell from a judge.
Step 2: Find objects that make noise and activate them. Door stoppers that go SPROOOOOOOONGONGONGONG when you run by them, wind chimes and blinds that rattle when disturbed, and loose objects that go thud when they hit the carpet are best. Technical points are awarded in this step. The more complex the device the better. 5 points for knocking over the phone so it goes BEEP BEEP BEEP *Please hang up* BEEP BEEP…
Step 3: Make the loudest possible noise. Glassware and remote controls are useful here. It might be beneficial to slightly open the judges’ door before this step. Final creativity points are awarded now.
Step 4: Look innocently at the dog and fish when the judges storm into room and turn on the lights. Pretending to be asleep is good form. 5 bonus points if another pet gets blamed, and 7 points for style if the judges stub, trip or completely fall over the objects knocked over!
8. Skiing: This game is played when your human has the newspaper lying on the floor for reading. Run down a hallway
toward the newspapers at full speed, leap onto the paper and see how far you can slide. The slippery advertisements
are best for this. This game is even more fun if your human is unaware that you are going to play. It can be followed
by a good round of “Catch Mouse” (newspaper variant). It can also be played on throw rugs.
9. Magic Curtain: It can take some time to teach the humans this game, but it is worth the effort. You need a curtain
which reaches down to the floor (vertical venetian blinds will do). Hide behind the curtain and command the human to
throw a small toy (really a mouse, of course) at it. The key part is to restrain yourself as long as you can to fool the
human into thinking you aren’t going to pounce. When the human reaches for the toy, attack the toy and kill it. Half the
fun is in attacking the “mouse”, the other half is in watching the human jump back to avoid getting his hand shredded.
Variation 1: Sometimes the curtain or blind itself magically transforms into a Curtain Monster, which must be killed
immediately! Grab it, kick it with your hind feet, wheel around on your back like mad and tear as much as you can!
The Curtain Monster and the Martians that live behind it are tough opponents, but with persistence you will be
victorious.
Variation 2: You are at the bottom of Mount Everest (the curtain) and there is a tempting morsel at the top which you
must reach before it runs away. Climb as fast as you can before the morsel disappears and/or a human grabs you and
throws you outside.
10. Tunnel: Convince your human to move the couch out a little bit from the wall, just enough so that you can move between the wall and the couch. Demand that your human throw a toy (preferably a small ball) for you to chase. Instead of chasing it through the open room, run behind the couch, tunnel along, miraculously emerge from the other end and grab the toy. Your human will be deeply impressed by your sophisticated move, and will readily throw the toy again and again.
11. Snooze: A good game to play with the other Cat(s) in the house is to see how many different places you can sleep in one day. You mark your sleeping spot with an appropriate deposit of hair, which is a necessary part of any Cat-owned apartment. It is important to play this game at least weekly, since the humans are always removing the markers. Bonus points go to the unusual spots, like the top of the fridge, TV, or air conditioner, and even on top of the Vacuum Monster slumbering in its closet. Of course, if the Vacuum Monster should awaken while you’re sleeping on it, there will be potentially serious consequences!
12. Cupboards: As you will have noticed in your explorations of your household, the floor-level kitchen cupboards are all interconnected. The object of the game is to dart inside when a human opens a cupboard door and immediately make your way to the farthest reaches out of range of the human’s grasp. If you can get a partner to run it with you to divide the human’s attention, so much the better. Often you can open the doors yourself and don’t even need the human there. This skill is especially useful if there are some tasty treats being stored in the garbage can that you want. If the human gives up easily, you now have a nice safe dark place to curl up, snooze, and deposit hair. Humans love to wash their pots and pans before using them. If the humans keep the garbage can under the sink, you may also have a free meal or two if anything is worth eating (provided you can get into it). If you and your partner are feeling frisky, great wrestling matches can take place in the darkness, with lots of crashes and clangs to make it sound like the Tournament of the Century! More fun can be had by scooting back and forth and putting your paw under the door and meowing to let the human think you want out that door, but when the door is opened, run to another before you can get grabbed. If the human is prone to flushing you out with a squirt bottle, make as much of a mess as possible when making your escape to let him/her know your displeasure. Be sure to wash yourself upon exiting the kitchen to retain your Dignity and glower at the impudent human while doing so.
13. Telephone dialer: Many of the newer things humans call telephones (with which they spend far too much time talking to other humans while not attending their masters) have lots of little buttons which you can use. The little ones without numbers are often “speed dial” buttons, which means that if you can turn the phone on (look for a “speaker phone button”) you can make phone calls too! Since humans love to talk on the phone, they will be glad to hear your
melodious voice greet them! Their feline masters will be even more pleased if you make your call early in the morning
to save them the trouble of making the humans wake up early. If you can call long distance, so much the better! Serves
those slug-like humans for sleeping during prime play time and leaving their masters unattended!
14. Bat the Blinds: This is a fun game that can be used as an alarm clock for dormant humans or as a signal that a Cat
wants to go outside. All that is required is vertical blinds in the bedroom. It is best played when there are more than
one Cat in a household. When the humans are asleep, one of the Cats should go over to the blinds and attack them with
the purpose of making as much noise as possible. Run and hide under the bed when a human gets up and blearily
opens a door to go outside, while the other Cats play possum on the bed so that the human doesn’t know who did it.
Different Cats can do this at different times, with the objective of seeing how many can attack the blinds until all are
thrown out by the enraged humans.
15. Table Cloth: For whatever reasons, sometimes your humans will put a large piece of (usually white) cloth on their
dining table. If you are a dark-haired cat, this means you are obliged to try to deposit as much of your hair on it as
possible. If you are present while they are putting the table cloth on, you also have an opportunity to Hamper. Leap up
and snag an edge with your paw as the humans are trying to adjust it so you can try to pull it to the floor. You will be
immediately shooed away, of course. Once the humans have set all the stuff on the table, do this again. You will get
lots of toys, as well as plenty of nesting material, but it’s impossible to do this silently and you will get forcibly ejected
and barred from the dining room. If you wish to be more subtle, hop on the table and begin shedding activities,
(scratching, grooming, and/or sprawling). See how much hair you can deposit before the humans notice and throw you
out. The more Cats there are, the more variety of colour you can add to the table cloth!
If the table cloth reaches nearly to the floor, you have an instant fort. Lurk underneath it until a human passes by, then
leap out and grab an ankle! Run back under the table where they can’t get you. Be prepared to be flushed out by a
squirt bottle though.
16. Bat the Toe: This game involves some risk of exposure to Cat Solvent, but is worth it because it annoys the humans
greatly. If the human leaves the bathroom door open (due to your diligent training — see DOORS), and if the human is
taking a shower rather than a bath, lurk beside the shower stall or bathtub and wait until he/she is finished, steps out,
and reaches blindly (due to water in the eyes and/or a lack of glasses) for a towel. As soon as a foot comes within
reach, bat at the big toe with a paw and run out of the room. If you can escape without being splashed or spotted while
lurking, you win. It is not wise to try to play this too frequently, as the human(s) will quickly catch on and will
gleefully try to soak you with Cat Solvent and force you to retreat with loss of Dignity.
17. Bedding Mice: These mice (not to be confused with Bed Mice, see above) appear during the human’s weekly ritual
known as “Re-Sheeting the Bed”. This is the perfect time to hunt for Bedding Mice, which appear in many shapes and
sizes just as the fresh bedding lands on the bed. It is also the best time to make sure the bottom sheet contains enough
hair and dander to trigger the human’s allergies later in the week. The human will usually shake the sheet toward the
head of the bed. It is imperative to attack by jumping straight up and landing on the sheet as it floats downward. This
action ensures that the sheet will land over the Bedding Mice, which can be seen as lumps or an occasional small
hillock on the bed. These small, tasteless, but usually colorful mice can be pummeled into oblivion by the use of the
rapier swipe or the one-two hind kick, employing one or both back legs. If you’re not quick, the human slave may find
you’ve flattened too many Bedding Mice and make the bed with you in it. This can be difficult to get out of, especially
if the human makes the bed in a military manner, uses hospital corners on the sheets and blankets, and tucks in
everything up to the pillows. You may instead be escorted to the door and locked out of the room for your efforts, in
which case other, more devious (and hazardous), methods will be needed to install the necessary Cat hair, such as
burrowing under the covers while the human(s) is/are in bed, or going after the Bedding Mice when the human is
making the bed after getting up in the morning. In any case, the pursuit of Bedding Mice is definitely a form of
HAMPERING.
18. Wrestlemania: This is a great game for at least two Cats who are both bored and full of excess energy. It can be
initiated by one Cat either goading the other into attacking, or by a surprise attack from either a high object (table,
chair, Cat scratching post) or from behind. Any form of kick, nip, swat, slam, throw, or other maneuver (fair or not) is
permissible, so long as no injury is performed on the other participant(s). If more than two Cats share the same house,
they may join in at any time, or perhaps use the diversion to get onto the counter or some other Forbidden Place for
some deviltry of his/her own. The goal of the game is not just to burn off the excess energy, but to make as much of a
mess as possible over as large an area as possible, so make every effort to knock things over, scatter and shred papers,
and leave hair everywhere. Growling and hissing are optional, but not recommended because the humans might think
it for real and break it up early. Wrestlemania comes to an end when the participants are exhausted (uncommon), or
are bombarded by thrown things or Cat Solvent by the humans after the nebulous line between entertainment and
destruction is crossed, or if the match occurs at night, when a human charges into the Battle Zone swearing and
throwing things. In these latter cases, the prudent Cat(s) will bolt for cover until the rage passes.
19. Laser Tag Team: This game requires a human with a small, harmless laser pointer. Some Cats believe that grabbing
the elusive red dot on the floor, wall, sofa, other cat, etc., will get them the tastiest treat ever (the harder it is to get, the
tastier it must be, right?) and will go nuts trying to get it, seriously compromising their Dignity in the process. Always
keep tabs on where the laser pointer is so that the humans can’t surprise you and make you lose even more Dignity by
suddenly leaping after it. Humans love this game because they are naturally lazy and don’t have to do anything to make
their Cat get his exercise. Other Cats wisely regard the red dot as something beneath their notice. A flashlight that can
be focused into a point makes a reasonable substitute for a laser pointer.
20. Phantom Cat Behind the Door, Curtain, etc.: In this game, the Cat on one side of the door or curtain pretends to
have never seen the other before. The objective is to drag the other Cat to your side of the door through a one-half inch
tall opening under the door or curtain. Meanwhile, the other Cat will see the disembodied paws as swift-moving (albeit
odd-shaped) mice and leap to the attack, getting his paws under the door where the reverse happens. This can be great
fun, especially when it’s dark and it’s the humans’ bedroom door, but of course it will be a short-lived game.
21. Piano Hop: As the title implies, there must be a piano in the household in order to play, the keyboard of which must
be exposed. It is simple — hop on the keyboard and walk along it. If a human is trying to play the piano at the time,
you must try to evade his/her attempts to sweep you off before you reach the end of the keyboard. If nobody is there,
keep walking back and forth until a human charges in, tosses you off and closes the keyboard cover. If there are other
Cats in the house, the winner of the game (which must be played over several days due to the keyboard closing) is the
one who can prance around the longest. Double points are scored for night-time escapades. Attempts to distract the
human made by one Cat while the other plays the game can be anything from barfing on the carpet to sharpening
claws, wanting out, etc.
22. Duvet Dive: The purpose of this game is to get into the humans’ bed before they do at their bedtime. (There’s no point
in playing before their bedtime, since you’ll always win!). At the beginning of each day (what the humans consider the
end of the day), they go through a routine before going to bed. The routine differs for each human, but after living with
them for a while you’ll be able to figure out the tell-tale signs. At the last possible minute when the human(s) is/are
ready to get into bed, tear into the bedroom at top speed, leap on the bed and burrow under the comforter, duvet or
whatever they have, and under the sheets. The first human in gets to have you wrap yourself around him/her. Use
claws (gently!) to warn the human not to move around once you are comfortable. Unfortunately, humans know how to
dislodge you, using either extreme cuddling (which, when under warm covers, soon results in overheating), getting
another human to rattle your food dish, or in the worst cases unleashing any mini-humans in the household on you.
23. Dresser Drawers: The dressers in a human’s bedroom contain most of their clothes, including many the humans don’t want other humans to see, called “underclothes”. Should a dresser drawer be left slightly ajar, you can probably pry it open enough to reach in with a paw in a fishing expedition to see what your claws can snag. If it’s underwear, you can have a great wrestling match with it (and if you have another Cat in the house, with the Cat). Make sure that when you get tired of playing with the underwear you “kill” it and leave the body where your human (and especially any guests) can see it when they come home. Lamps, couches and the top of the stove are good places. Socks, on the other hand, should be “killed” and left in the most remote and difficult to reach spots, like behind couches, under beds, and so on, so that the humans have to hunt for them. You should also only play with one from each pair, to increase the
hampering factor of your fun game.
24. Living Room Surfing: This is best played by one or more cat(s) with a “turbo scratcher” (a round plastic thing with a
scratching pad in the middle and a trough around the edge with a hard rubber or plastic ball in it), although any large,
flat, solid object will do. The object of this game is to make as much of a racket as possible. You start out by staring at
the “turbo scratcher” and going into a full, fanny waving crouch. You then make a flying pounce, land on the thing and
slide as far as you can on it. The bigger the pounce, the more points you earn. Uncarpeted floors make the best playing
fields, because you can really get up some momentum. With practice, you can make a sound like a squeaky subway
brake. It is considered good form if you can simultaneously bat the ball around the trough. You earn extra points if you can manage to careen into a piece of furniture. The best time to play this game is around 4:00 a.m., because the
resulting screeches, rattles and thumps are bound to awaken not only the judges, but any humans living (and trying to
sleep) downstairs. The judges will usually be too groggy to realize what is happening right away, so you can get in a
few good pounces and screeches before they become alert enough to get up and chase after you. The humans
downstairs will usually react with questions, such as “What the HELL is that cat doing?!” or “What kind of orgy are
they having up there?” CAUTION: This game must be played very sparingly if one or more of the downstairs humans
is called “Landlord” or “Landlady” by the other humans in the house.
25. Ice Capades: This is easy to play. All you need is an uncarpeted floor and your own four paws. You start off at one
end of the room by going into a full crouch, then running as fast as you can. Once you have gotten a full head of
steam, you then make a sudden stop and turn yourself around. You get five points for each time you manage to do this
without bumping into the wall, a door frame, or the furniture. Extra points are awarded if you manage to slide onto
something and make a mess. VARIATION: If there is an accessible wooden or Formica table, leap onto the table and
slide on it. You get ten points if you manage to do this without falling off. Again, extra points are awarded if you slide
onto something and mess it up, 2 extra points if you manage to knock something onto the floor, 3 extra points if you
slide onto a set of papers, music, etc., and knock all the pages out of order.

5.2 TOYS

Any small item, such as Q-tips, is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch where it is put so you can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of Cat toys.
1. Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that the other Cat(s) or humans can’t play with
them. They are generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors. When in the kitchen, the object is to
eventually slide the toy under the refrigerator or stove “goals”and then attempt to get the human to retrieve it for you so you can do it again.
2. Dangly and/or stringlike things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains, dental floss, and rubber bands also make
excellent toys. They are favourites of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a
string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at
all costs. Take care, though. Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity. Note that playing with
shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is another form of Hampering. Fishing poles with small toys attached
are favourites of humans who want to destroy Dignity, because they are just so hard to resist. Beware the tactic of the
human spinning around in circles while you charge vainly after the toy, especially if you are on a smooth floor and
can’t get good traction. Respond to hilarity by baleful stares and washing yourself, then walk by the toy with your nose
in the air. Then leap on it when the human isn’t suspecting. It works every time.
3. Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be the same colour as the bag, so they are
hard to see, but you can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to and
including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other Cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice
is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.
4. A somewhat risky approach to catching Bag Mice utilizes the Bag Slide. This is accomplished by performing a classic
crouch (including full butt-wiggle) 5-6 feet from the mouth of the bag, then charging into the bag at full speed, causing
the bag to skitter a great distance across a wooden floor (Note: This does NOT work on wall-to-wall carpet!)
CAUTION: Be prepared for a significant impact with walls, chairs, etc. if you’ve really built up your momentum!
5. Ignore anything that appears to be a store-bought Cat toy. After all, in the old days, Cats had to fashion their own toys.
Store-bought toys are an affront to a “real” Cat. However, if the toy appears to be interesting, you may wait until the
humans are sleeping before you play with it (but be sure to keep quiet so they don’t figure out you actually like it).
6. Some cats find ice cubes to be great toys, as they can slide across smooth floors for great distances. Ice cubes can only be obtained from the freezer (it is *not* recommended that you try to fish any from drinks or knock them over, as the humans will immediately confiscate the toys and probably hurl you bodily outside!) if you pester a human while
he/she is getting something from it. Once the new toy is released into your custody, it’s play time! Be careful not to
lick it though as you may find it sticks to your tongue!
7. Your human is more likely than not to have other humans come to visit. Sometimes they will all just sit around and
talk, which is great because you have the opportunity to get lots of extra attention (see GUESTS). However,
sometimes they’ll set up some sort of game and start playing, which is not so great because they aren’t noticing you.
Many human games (and all jigsaw puzzles) have lots of little pieces, and are really Cat Toy Bonanzas, but the
humans will not want to share them with you for some reason. If they are playing on the floor, rectification of this
injustice is relatively straightforward. You can charge across the board scattering pieces everywhere and snatch one in
the confusion. The subtle approach, where you act really friendly to one of the humans so you can get close to the
board and then snitch one, requires more patience. If you have a partner who can create a diversion, say by running
across the board as in the first case, you can then zip in during the uproar and snitch a piece while the humans are
distracted. A third option is to just plop yourself down in the middle of the board and say “Pet me!”. With luck, a piece
or two will get stuck in your fur (especially if you’re long-haired) and you will have a new toy when you’re ejected
from the board.
8. Playing on a table presents a greater challenge, as the board is much more inaccessible. Try ingratiating yourself by
curling up on a lap, and occasionally sticking your head over the table edge to see what’s going on and perhaps try to
knock a piece or two off the table with a paw. Jumping on the table is risky but potentially rewarding, as the humans
may not expect such chutzpah (or chutzpaw in your case). If a corner of the game board extends over the table edge,
you can stand on your hind legs and reach for it; if successful you could bring a whole avalanche of toys down!
9. Unfortunately, all of these actions are liable to make the humans very angry, so you’d better have a safe place to run
with your toy, unless you’re a Hedonist (see CAT CLUBS) and enjoy playing fast and loose with your life by baiting
the humans. This activity also counts as HAMPERING.
10. Another great toy is what the humans call a ping-pong ball. They are white and very light and as a result are easily
batted around the house. Some Cats enjoy playing with them in the humans’ bathtub (which must be totally free of Cat
Solvent, of course!) because the ball can’t go very far. Again you must beware of getting too involved with the toy
because the humans will usually be watching and you will risk losing your Dignity.

6. SUPERVISING (a.k.a. HAMPERING)

It is well known that humans are incapable of performing even the simplest of tasks without feline supervision and/or assistance. This supervision is absurdly known by the humans as “Hampering”. If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and any others are idle, stay with the busy one. It would take a large book to describe all of
the activities which need to be supervised, so only a condensed list is presented below.
1. When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
2. For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. unless you can lie across the book itself.
3. For television watchers, be sure to settle down in their laps just before a commercial break when they’re most likely to want to get up and do something.
4. For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure the maximum
amount, or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to Hamper work. Embroidery and
needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
5. For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in
mind the aim: to Hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the
table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being
removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time. If the items are arranged in
neat piles on the table, it is your job to maximize Hampering by scattering the documents. A clever way involves a coconspirator, preferably another Cat, but a dog will do. In the next room, stage an altercation with the conspirator. Tear around the room until you build up a good speed, then race into the room with the slaving human and leap onto the table, skidding appropriately to wipe out all the piles. With practice, you can get the blame put on the other cat (or
dog) and perhaps even get a few cuddles and “Did the mean kitty/doggie pick on you?” condolences.
6. Speaking of Christmas, this annual event presents many opportunities to Hamper. When the human is trying to wrap
presents, go for the Paper Mice that hide under the wrapping paper that is on the floor. Do your best to shred their hiding places. Ribbons also make great toys! Be sure to attack the loose ends as the humans struggle to wrap their presents in spite of you. If there are any bows, try to steal them and run under the bed with them. If the human does not give chase (thinking he/she will “sacrifice” one for the sake of peace and quiet), go back and steal another! Snitch the gift tags before the human can put them on the presents, or for more fun, after they put them on. Watch out for sneaky distraction tricks like putting Scotch tape in your fur! Climbing up and lurking in the Christmas tree is also fun (though beware the sticky sap that some have) and makes for a good hiding place, provided you can stay still and not knock off any ornaments. Tinsel garlands make great toys (but not good food). Ornaments are not such great toys, however, because they break into lots of sharp pieces which can cut your feet (not to mention incite yelling fits in the humans).
7. When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump at the back of the paper. They love
surprises. If the human has the newspaper flat on the floor or a table, lie down right in the middle of it. Humans can
read through your lovely fur if they try hard enough.
8. As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs; when they have
something in their arms; in the dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
9. If your female (or sometimes male) human is trying to arrange her/his hair in the morning, and if it is long enough,
treat it like you would any other strings. Try to bat, grab, and generally attack it. Steal any elastics or “scrunchies” that
the human might wish to use to tie down her/his hair and duck under the bed with them. This only works if the human
isn’t intelligent enough to have a couple of “sacrifice” scrunchies which you are allowed to steal with only token
resistance. Once you twig onto this tactic, try standing in front of the mirror or jumping onto your human’s head or
shoulders. This should get you evicted from the room and you can spend the rest of the time meowing piteously at the
door.
10. Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around. See the Bed Hog Club for a suggestion.
11. When a human is attempting to “make the bed”, hop on it and curl up in the middle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to mess things up. Protest loudly when you’re evicted.
12. Suitcases always mean that your human is about to abandon you, so it is important to prolong the packing process as much as possible. As soon as one is opened up, jump in and curl up for a nap or chase your tail and/or attack items put inside. It is of paramount importance to shed as much hair as possible during the Hampering process to make sure
other Cats (and humans) know that your human is already owned.
13. Laundry presents many opportunities to Hamper (hence the other name for the laundry basket–the laundry hamper). Laundry fresh from the dryer is a perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the bed for sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning until the laundry isn’t warm anymore. Now it’s play time. Pounce on anything the human tries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed.
14. When a human is working at a computer, s/he isn’t paying attention to you. Fortunately, this problem is easy to
remedy, but persistence is critical because humans seem to hold the computer in ridiculously high regard. You can
easily obstruct the human’s view of the screen with your beautiful tail, or if it’s low enough, with your even more
beautiful body. Trampling or sprawling on the keyboard is always good for some attention as well. Pay special
attention to the keys marked “Esc”, “Del”, and “Brk”. If you need to nap while supervising your human, good places
are the keyboard, on top of the plastic thing with the cord that the humans laughably call a “mouse”, or on the human’s
arms. If the human insists on removing you from these choice locations, there’s always the lap. If possible, while in the
lap try to drape yourself on one of the human’s arms. Also feel free to knock pens, papers, diskettes, Post-It notes, and
anything else accessible onto the floor. Should you decide that the human has spent enough time at the computer, you
must draw him/her away from it. Hop onto the nearest table, counter, or shelf that is within sight of the computer table
and begin to knock things off, one at a time. Terrorize any birds if your human has them. Fight noisily with the other
four-foots in the house or get into particularly destructive Tag games, and so on. Bear in mind that these sorts of
shenanigans will likely enrage the human, so you had better have a safe haven to run to when he/she comes charging
in after you.
15. High-tech devices create the possibilities for high-tech Hampering, such as the computer example above. Many of the humans’ entertainment devices like TVs, VCRs, and stereos have flat rectangular doodads with lots of buttons on them called “remote controls”, which are often left on coffee tables which are part of your patrol rounds. You can do the obvious (i.e. hide them), but it is a well-established fact that all those little buttons are great for massaging your feet. Be sure to trample them thoroughly for the best effect! If they are pointed towards the things they control, you can also get the machines to turn on, make timer lights flash, generally scramble things up, and in short, Hamper! Sometimes your actions will have undesireable side effects, such as a sudden, terrifying blast of noise from a stereo or TV (which may lead to a terrifying blast of noise from the humans, especially if you do this in the early morning!). If this happens, run and hide under the bed and wait it out. Answering machines are also good to walk on. Trampling on
certain buttons will make interesting things happen, and possibly Hamper by making messages disappear.
16. If your human is talking on the telephone (and hence not giving you the required 100% Undivided Attention), be sure to demand attention by standing on the base and trampling as many buttons as possible, or the big one that hangs up the line if you can.
17. Help your human clean the apartment by walking across and thoroughly inspecting each surface as s/he finishes
dusting it. Pay particular attention to glass-top tables.
18. The best time to use your litter box is just after the human has cleaned it, since there are no nasty things for you to step in. Lurk in the background until the cleaning is done, then leap in and do your business, being sure to get some litter on the floor to keep your slave busy. Ignore any foul commentary from the humans at the extra work you create.
19. Pretending to be all lovey and cute is a good way to Hamper, if you have the stomach for it, because it’s especially
hard for the humans to get mad at you. You can employ all the usual wake-up tactics in the morning, then immediately
launch into loud purring, head-butting, and cuddling until the human gets up, at which point you can race to the food
dish. This tactic can be used to try to deviously get onto normally forbidden zones like the kitchen counter by acting as
if you can’t get close enough to them for pets and rubs. When the human’s attention is diverted (perhaps by a coconspirator), snatch something (preferably edible or a good toy) and run for it. Interference with newspaper reading, computer use, etc., are just a few of the nearly unlimited potential for Hampering in this manner.
20. As you get older, hampering can get to be more of a challenge. One favorite of older cats is the ‘Keep them in bed’
technique. Just before your human’s noisebox goes off in the morning, assume a comfortable position next to him/her.
Purring, head nuzzling, and other techniques may need to be employed. Try to position yourself so that your human
will not be able to hit the noisebox easily to make it shut off. (It is unknown why humans do this since it just comes
back on anyway.) It is important to keep your human in bed as long as possible. If you have two humans in the same
bed they will not always get up at the same time, so be sure to apply the technique to the human that will awaken first.
When your human moves you out of the way act as if arthritic and unawake yourself. As soon as the human makes
his/her way to the bathroom, be sure to walk in front of him/her. This is especially amusing in the morning, though it
might result in a kick from a less alert human. When the first human goes into the rainmaker to get wet, take care of
your personal business and then prepare to hamper the other in the same way.
21. Guidelines for where to sit or lie down.
A) It is considered bad form to lie on the bare floor, couch, or bed. An exception is made for the human’s favourite chair, which you are allowed to sit on no matter what (or who) is there.
B) On a bed, there will often be laundry or clothes lying there. It is your duty to lie on them to get your beautiful fur on them. If there is a choice, choose either the cleanest item or the item which contrasts most strongly with your
fur. If your human protests, act cute.
C) It is also your duty to lie in an area that makes your human contort to the greatest extent if s/he wishes to share the bed/couch with you.
D) Even resting on a book or a newspaper on the floor is preferable to just lying on the floor. Newspapers are particularly important to sleep on if your human has them on the floor for his/her reading convenience.
E) Select a chair to sleep on that Hampers your human the most. For example, if your human is doing a craft on the kitchen table to prevent your interference, it is your duty to take a nap on the chair your human would like to be sitting
in. No other chair at the kitchen table will do.
F) If kicked off any preferred seating, it is of critical importance that you not immediately go about your business. You
must either sit still for a time, washing yourself to save face, or lie on the floor to make your human feel guilty, and let
him know you’re waiting for the chair. If the human cheats by moving your resting chair and/or sitting in a different one (in a situation such as the kitchen table example above), you may be able to continue Hampering by jumping into the human’s lap. If the human has to get up to get something, and dumps you off (if you’ve elected to take the lap option), immediately occupy the chair, curl up to enjoy the warmth, and look smug. Of course, the human will just switch chairs or throw you off again. This game can be played for hours.

7. SCRATCHING POSTS

It is advised that Cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They are very protective of what they think is their property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren’t around won’t help, as they are very observant. If you are an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no! Some humans come equipped with “jeans”, which can be scratched without inflicting too much injury. Attempts to climb up them will result in further attention, albeit perhaps not the kind you wish.

8. THE VACUUM MONSTER

This appalling Beast is known by many names, Cat Eater being the most prevalent. Normally pliable, agreeable humans will turn into raging monsters while under Its influence, running around the house sucking up all the carefully shed Cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. Nothing can stop It until the influence is over and the foul device is put back into Its closet. All you can do is run and hide when you hear the engine roar to life and hope that It doesn’t find you. On some occasions, however, the humans are forced to open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen, dusty bag from within. This is Its stomach, and must be destroyed if you can get the chance. Do not worry if the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain. Some Cat circles are of the belief that the weekly ritual is actually a struggle for control, as the Beast attempts to free itself from the human’s grasp so it can rampage at will. The back and forth motions of the machine are supposedly indicators of this battle of wills. Regardless of the interpretation, Cats should definitely keep a low profile until the Beast is returned to its lair and the human returns to normal.

9. DOORS

To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer it with your forepaws and/or yowl. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. (See also the Door Into Summer Club.) This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Protest if the human uses a foot to “encourage” you to leave. Sometimes doors can be opened by Cats without the aid of humans. Such doors must be kept open for the Cat(s) to investigate within at any time. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs; their nickname “Tail-Biter” tells it all.
If a human goes into a room, especially the bathroom, and closes the door to exclude a Cat, meow pathetically and try to stick your paws under the door to open it. If the human relents, lets you in and then closes the door, immediately demand to be let out. If the human lets you out and closes the door, immediately demand to be let in again. This is especially fun when it’s the bathroom and there are guests. This game can be played until the human wises up and hoses you with a squirt gun. Scuttle out of range and wash yourself, to pretend that the assault on your Dignity didn’t happen.
If a door that is usually kept closed, such as a closet door, is opened, you must immediately rush in to investigate to see if anything has changed since the last time you were in there. Resist the human’s attempts to remove you before you have completed your investigation. Protest loudly when the human removes you anyway.
Some Cats have preferred doors that they will always use to get in and out of a house. Just which door will depend on the house and often on the individual Cat. Be sure not to waver from your door of choice, no matter how inconvenient it may be for the human who is going to let you out.

10. DRAWERS

As with doors, drawers represent Restrictions to Freedom of Access. Although sometimes a clever Cat can figure out how to open a door, opening drawers is almost impossible and must be done by a human. Any drawer that can be opened by a Cat, of course, must be on a regular basis, especially if it’s a dresser drawer, since they provide comfy beds for naps. Needless to say, when a drawer is opened, it is imperative that its contents be investigated for items which are potentially edible, toys and/or comfortable resting places. Dresser drawers must also have their contents “pre-haired”, i.e. the clean clothes must have Cat hair deposited on them before they are even worn, just in case the humans are able to get out of the house in the morning without the Cat being able to shed on them. As soon as you hear a drawer open, immediately rush to the scene and jump in. If the human removes you, be persistent, since every time you get picked up, you shed some hair. This is best if it can be done with a partner — one jumps in as the other is removed. Do your best to rearrange the contents of clothing drawers by playing “Find the Mouse” as far back as you can reach. Scratch yourself vigorously to deposit the required hair. This is an excellent form of early-morning HAMPERING (see above)!
A Hide-and-Seek game can be played if a human is distracted by something and leaves a drawer open. Burrow in as far as you can and make yourself at home. If the human doesn’t see you when he comes back and closes the drawer, the game begins. It is especially effective in filing cabinets where there are often large empty spaces behind all the papers where you can’t be seen. After a few minutes, start yowling loudly so that the human will want to find you. With the right projections, you can keep the human searching for several minutes before he/she thinks of looking in the dresser or filing cabinet. When revealed, glower at the human reproachfully and jump out with as much Dignity as you can muster. Be sure to leave plenty of hair behind. The first recorded instance in the literature was with a Cat named Pandora who kept her humans looking for her for a couple of days! See also Dresser Drawers of Games.

11. HUMANS

Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is
important to maintain one’s Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house.
One way to keep your human healthy is through agility training. You can do this by running ahead of your human,
maintaining a distance of about one and a half of the human’s paces, and suddenly stopping to clean yourself. If the human doesn’t trip over or boot you (a very real hazard, especially from beginner humans), s/he is fit and able to avoid all sorts of danger in his/her world. A bonus from this exercise is that the sight of the human will be very amusing and you can share the experience with your friends on the back fence. Another form of exercise can be imposed by sitting just out of reach of the human when he/she wants to pet you, so that he/she has to get up and move over. When you are being brushed, don’t sit still for it, but move arould all over the place, forcing the human to follow you around or else pick you up and hold you. And of course there’s the Big Chase when you steal something like a chicken leg.
If you are scolded for any reason, however (un)justly, fix upon your human your most forlorn and repentent gaze. This will induce such guilt and remorse in that human that she will immediately scoop you up and cuddle you, apologize profusely and offer you a favorite treat. Occasionally, human ignorance demands a blunt response. If your humans have the gall to “discipline” you with a squirt bottle, the proper strategy is to abscond with the offending item when no one is looking, and hide it behind the couch or at the back of the most cluttered closet. Many months later the fools will stumble over it, but they will get the message.

11.1 WAKING THEM UP

It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark, just when the day is young and the masters of the house are
fresh and ready for play. It is known, however, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that they occasionally must be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get fresh food or water or to retrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa. Almost all of them strongly dislike being dragged out of bed in their so-called “wee hours”. Some will even pretend to be asleep even when we know they’re not, hoping we’ll give up and go away. Persistence is the key to success in any case. One effective method of rejuvenating a dormant human is the “direct approach”, namely jumping on the bed and doing one or more of the following: trampling, licking and/or nibbling any exposed parts, pulling hair (or clawing the bald spot), purring, meowing, head-butting, light taps on the eyes, or playing “Catch Mouse” or “King of the Hill”. If the human tries to hide under the covers, s/he is now a huge Bed Mouse (see GAMES) and can be treated accordingly. This may only result in your being ejected from the bed, but at least you now have the human’s attention. If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, knocking over and looting a wastebasket, knocking items off the dresser, singing at the top of your voice, or even curling up on the human’s head (often the only visible part). As well as being warm, in this way you will be aware of any movement made by the human, probably even before he is aware of it. You will be unlikely to wait for long. Another effective tactic is to jump, walk or knead on the human’s abdomen, where the bladder is located. If the human hasn’t been to the Big White Drinking Bowl during the night you can be sure of a rapid response. Eventually the human will get up and do what you want, usually employing some bad language while doing so.
WARNING: It is not advised to do this on a regular basis. It will very likely result in your being “banished” from and
denied access to the bedroom altogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get them to respond to your
wishes. Thumping the door or yowling may be initially effective, but will likely result in being further banished to the
basement or even the kitty carrier! Discretion is thus strongly recommended. Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to go to the bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while he is too sleepy to put up much resistance.

11.2 MORNINGS

In order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave the domain every morning (usually before you take your first Cat nap). To help them on their way, either yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, gently bounce on top of them in bed, knead their chests, purr, and/or drool on them. See also WAKING THEM UP. The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their clock begins to blare or ring. We must protect them from the noise because it could ruin their sense of hearing. On some mornings, usually on the days the humans call Saturday and Sunday, the humans often want to stay in bed longer than usual. They resist attempts to rouse them more than ever. They will reluctantly get up to feed us and then return to bed, hoping that we will leave them alone. This should not be allowed. Sleeping humans are essentially ignoring us, which is a Bad Thing, so once you have eaten your breakfast, continue your campaign to get them out of bed. See WAKING THEM UP.

11.3 GUESTS

1. Quickly determine which guest hates (or is allergic to) Cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you can arrange for particularly bad “tuna breath” (or extra dander), so much the better.
2. For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which contrasts well with your fur. For example: whitefurred Cats go to black wool clothing. NOTE: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
3. For the guest who exclaims, “I love kitties!”, be ready with aloof disdain, apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a
quick nip on the ankle.
4. When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.
5. Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare. If you do feel active, try turning off the light switch if it is within reach; this is usually good for some laughs. Some Cats with a more
prankish disposition like to hide behind the White Drinking Bowl and reach around to pat the human on the behind as
s/he is sitting down just to watch him/her leap up in surprise. This will result in expulsion, but is worth it!

11.4 LAPS

Undoubtedly THE best way to get attention from a human is to jump in his/her lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes them think you like them (which may even be true!). Ear scratches, belly rubs, back stroking: all these and more can be yours. Some Cats like this treatment a little TOO much and acquire the silly name “Lap Fungus”. Lap sessions also provide golden opportunities for shedding–be sure to take advantage of clothes which contrast with your fur (see also GUESTS). Unfortunately, humans have the annoying tendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities, like answering the thing that rings or going to the Big White Drinking Bowl. Protest this disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive meows. Some laps may require “softening up” with a little kneading; just be sure not to use the claws or you may have an unexpected flying lesson! Note that the occasional adoring gaze with half-closed eyes directed toward your human, especially when you are curled up in his/her lap purring and being petted, will keep him/her eating out of your paw for weeks. (Do not spoil your human by doing this too often.)

11.5 CONFUSING THEM

Humans (for the most part) love order and predictability. They especially like what they think are their pets to be
predictable. So if you are in the mood to indulge in a little low-risk mischief, behaving irrationally is an excellent option.
The usual method is to simply tear around the house at top speed talking to yourself and perhaps launching a frenzied attack on an unsuspecting toy. If there are two or more Cats in the household, you can take turns chasing and wrestling with each other. This is usually good for a shake of the head from the human, along with “Crazy Cat(s)” muttered under his/her breath. Another way to baffle the humans is to interrupt your passage across a carpet (at whatever velocity) with a sudden vertical leap into the air. Then continue on as if nothing had happened. If you’re skilled enough, you may be able to convince the human(s) that there are “rug worms” in the house. A third way, which isn’t quite as fun as the others but which tends to get better reactions from the humans, is to stare fixedly at a blank wall, turned-off TV, corner of the room, or whatever, and pretend to carry on a conversation with another Cat. The humans, who may already be convinced that you’re from outer space, will think you’re talking to your friends, the “Jupiter People”. If they start talking about mailing you to Mars, it’s a good idea to lay off this prank for a while.

11.6 ORGANIZATION

Let’s face it, humans are a disorganized lot. They need constant supervision in order to get things done right and on time, such as feeding their masters, retrieving lost toys, etc. Humans also need assistance in keeping their masters’ home organized. They have to be continually reminded that things belong on the floor, not on shelves, bookcases, tables or dressers where accessing them may be inconvenient for their masters. It will be up to you to keep your household properly organized. Feel free to take items such as pens, buttons, waste paper (such as the stuff they call “tax return”), and unsuitable toys and relocate them to better spots, such as the water bowl, under the stove, or down the hot-air ducts (humans are always grateful if you do this with tax returns). This should be done when the humans aren’t around, as they will always interfere. When the human discovers your handiwork, he will praise you with such words as “Damned Cat!” and “You little monster!”; however this praise is usually best accepted from under the bed until the human finds something else to get excited about.

11.7 SUBSTITUTES

Occasionally your humans will want to go away on a “vacation” or “trip” and, knowing that you hate travelling, will want to leave you behind. The choice of boarding at the vet’s or a kennel is to be avoided at all costs, which implies that you have to find another human in the neighbourhood who will be willing to look after you when your humans are away. This is usually not hard to do when you’re able to patrol the neighbourhood, but if you’re a house or apartment Cat, you’ll be stuck with whatever human your humans can find. In most respects, the substitute performs the same functions as the regular human, i.e. feeding, changing the litterbox, and perhaps even playing with you. Since most substitutes don’t know your feeding habits, try extra hard to get more food. A few minutes after you’ve cleaned out your dish, go into “feed me” mode again. Be especially piteous, using the Big Soulful Eyes, low moans, extra head-butting and rubbing, Meaningful Stares at the empty dish, and all the other tricks that sometimes work on your more hard-hearted regular humans. If the substitute performs poorly, like showing up late for your feeding times, let your regular humans know your displeasure with the usual punishment, like wetting the bath mat, clawing furniture, etc.

11.8 TELEVISION AND OTHER ENTERTAINMENT

Humans exercise very poor judgment in entertaining themselves, for example, in the amount of time they spend watching that inexplicable object, the television. They may be permitted to watch a reasonable number of hours of television per week (if they are getting their homework and chores, such as feeding, petting and litter-changing, done) but the responsible cat will not allow excessive television, will not use the television as a babysitter, and will supervise its humans’ viewing choices. The loving cat will try to improve its humans’ taste by walking on the cable box to change the channel to a more appropriate show. If there is really nothing good on, it may be advisable to order something from Pay-Per-View by walking on the cable box. Other opportunities to Hamper exist with other high-tech toys, as listed above. Participation in the humans’ board games is also listed under HAMPERING.

11.9 CHILDREN

Children, also known as mini-humans, are two-legged Cat Hazards until they are about the age of 4, by which time they will have been suitably trained in proper behaviour towards their masters. Until this time, they are best avoided unless they are properly restrained in cribs, playpens, swings, or other mobility-reducing gadgets, due to their tendency for grabbing tails or other extremities, unpredictable howling, screaming, and occasionally vomiting, falling down (with you being seen as a potential cushion) and more often than not noxious aromas. If you are in a household with a mini-human, it is a good idea to have hiding spots scouted out in every room to which you can dash if in a hurry. If you live with, or are, a Fraidy Cat, then these spots will already be marked (and if not, you’ll soon find out where Fraidy Cats come from). Practice vanishing at the sound of “Ba-ba-ba KITTY!”. Spend time enjoying the fresh air outdoors. But don’t scratch, bite, or attack the mini-human unless you are in the presence of one of the big humans and know they have seen an atrocity committed to your Dignity. Otherwise you will always be blamed. Do not allow jealousy at the decrease in the amount of attention you get to you, just be more ingenious in getting it for yourself by increasing Hampering activities. Steal diapers and run with them when the mini-human is being changed, knock over the bottles of baby stuff, and do whatever you can to get any milk the baby gets.
You can have fun with children if they are in a restraining device by standing just out of reach and “talking” to them or
washing yourself. Lurking under the high chair can often be rewarded by free food, however, and once the mini-human is sufficiently developed you can even occasionally cooperate with him/her to steal more food. Overall, patience, steady nerves, and good hiding places will get you through the dangerous times.
Probably the most frequent offence to Dignity committed by a mini- human is attempts to pick you up and lug you around. This can get quite annoying if the kid is fixated on it. One possible way of training the little monster is to run away every time s/he comes after you with the obvious intention of making The Grab. After s/he gives up or gets distracted by something else (they have notoriously short attention spans), approach him/her and rub against his/her legs until s/he grabs you. Wait a few seconds and then struggle until you are dropped. Repeat until the kid gets the idea (be patient, this may take a while).

12. VETS AND MEDICINE

The vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are sick. The place smells funny, there are usually other Cats and dogs in the waiting room, and awful things like needles and pill prescriptions will happen there. The usual result is that you will get better, which is good, but you just can’t let those humans Cathandle you. The following are some tips for dealing with vets and medicine.
1. Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier come out, run and hide somewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind a couch. Once the human finally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so that it is difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in with another Cat, try to allow the other Cat to bolt out the door. In the car, meow plaintively all the way down to the vet’s. If possible, reach through the bars of the portable
prison and try to claw the human as s/he drives. At the vet’s, splay your legs and brace yourself against the carrier’s
walls if you can so that they can’t dump you out easily.
2. If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed you pills or any liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill
bottle rattle, hide as in part a). Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Once the medicine is in, try to
spit it out, preferably by shaking your head vigorously. If the humans manage to get the pill into to your mouth and are
still holding you waiting for you to spit it out, swallow, but keep the pill in your mouth. Then after being let go, find a
suitable hiding place and spit it out. Make sure that the humans do not find the hiding place, so they think that you
took the pill. Don’t use the same hiding place twice. Refuse any food that looks or smells like it may have had
medicine sprinkled on it. Unfortunately, humans can be REALLY unfair and put it in tuna. In this case, accept
grudgingly. Look aggrieved after the medicine session is over.

13. ILLNESS

1. If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no
Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s
bare foot.
2. When you get sick in the house, you should hover around the general area until a human spots the mess. You should
act as if you are guarding the stuff for the human and then quickly vacate the room.
3. If taken outside, you should take every opportunity to scarf down as much grass as possible (while not being spotted). After ingesting a “critical mass” amount, whine and scratch at the door to be let back in the house. After entering the house head for the traditional illness locations and let it rip.
4. If the urge strikes at night when your human is asleep, you can retch as loudly as possible so that the human will wake up. That failing, choose a location where the human’s bare foot is likely to find it. They don’t see very well in the
morning and need assistance in locating the mess. If the human has neglected you by leaving (see MORNINGS), cover
the fruits of your labours with whatever is handy, such as papers from the desk. That way you can soil another object
besides the carpet.

14. CAT CLUBS

When a group of humans who share a similar interest get together on a regular basis, it is often called a “club”. Needless to say, Cats thought of the idea first, and some of the cleverer humans have discovered that we have our own. Listed below are the ones that the humans have identified, along with their names for the clubs. For security reasons (in case this document falls into the hands of a human) the ones they haven’t identified have not been listed. As with humans, Cats are not restricted to membership in one club and may belong to many. Each entry consists of a brief description of typical club members, the average human’s reaction to a member’s activities, nicknames for club members, and the club’s motto.
The Bed Hog Club
Cats who are members of this club like to sleep on their humans’ bed. Of course, in order to sleep comfortably a Cat needs some room and it is often necessary to push the sleeping humans around a bit to make it, especially if there are two humans and/or two or more Cats. In households with more than one club member, skilled Cats who cooperate can make the humans resemble pretzels (which are great snacks, by the way) by morning or even fall out of the bed entirely.
Human Reactions: cuddling, nocturnal yoga positions, expulsion of Cats.
NickNames: Big Lump, Extra Blanket, Bed Warmer.
Club Motto: “Move over, you big lummox!”
The Bed Weight Club
Some members of the Bed Hog Club (usually also members of the Lazy Slug Club) have figured out how to maximize their comfort by immobilizing sleeping humans so that their tossing and turning does not disturb the Cats. The tactic requires at least two Cats, both of which should be relatively mass-enhanced (never “fat”!) who should settle on the covers on either side of the human, effectively restricting movement. This is not wise if the human likes to sleep near the side of the bed!
Human Reactions: “What is that horse doing on the bed?”, stiffness from immobilized.
Nicknames: Leadbutt, Lump.
Club Motto: “Don’t even think about moving!”
The Chatterbox Club
Members of this club love to talk to their humans, giving advice and/or criticism on practically anything they do. They are convinced that given enough time, they will be able to teach even the densest human how to take verbal commands.
Human Reactions: “No comments from the peanut gallery!”, “Shaddap!”
NickNames: Motormouth, Blabbermouth, Noisy, Backtalk.
Club Motto: “What do you mean, shut up?”
The Door Into Summer Club
This Club mainly performs its activities during the cold months or when it is raining. After a human obeys the master’s
command to open a door and a blast of cold air fills the room or rain splashes the Cat, the Cat wrinkles his/her nose and
walks away. The ritual continues at each door in the house (sometimes including closets) until the human either kicks the Cat out the door, or decides to ignore the Cat altogether. In the first case, the Cat must bounce up to the window and squawk to be let in while looking as pathetic as possible. In the second, the Cat must attempt to make the human want to let him/her out. See HAMPERING for suggestions.
Human Reactions: Annoyance, foot under the butt to fling you out anyways.
NickNames: Waffler, Stupid Cat, Politician.
Club Motto: “Just because it’s nasty out front doesn’t mean it is at the back.”
The Early Breakfast Club
Cats belonging to this club love to walk into their human’s bedroom at some early hour, say, 3 a.m. They then awaken the human (see WAKING THEM UP and MORNINGS) insisting on being fed. These Cats believe that their humans can be
trained to be awake during prime play time. Be aware, however, that humans are stubborn and may instead lock Cats out of the bedroom, squirt them or do other anti-social things instead of feeding them.
Human Reactions: Grogginess, ignoring, throwing things, general hostility.
NickNames: Pest Kitty, various expletives
Club Motto: “Life begins after midnight.”
The Elephant Cat Club
It is usual but not necessary for there to be more than one member of this club per household. “Elephant” Cats for some
perverse reason enjoy making their nocturnal games, such as “Kibble Soccer”, “Tag”, and “Rumpus Raising” (see GAMES)
as noisy as possible by thundering around home and knocking things over or off the tables, counters, etc. They believe that half the fun is getting the human to participate too.
Human Reactions: Throwing things, squirting, chasing, shouting.
NickNames: Bigfoot, Thunderball, Godzilla Cat, Light Brigade.
Club Motto: “Did you see the look on his face when…”
The Fraidy Cat Club
To this club belong the Cats of nervous and/or neurotic disposition. Any strange object or human is to be treated as a mortal danger until it is absolutely certain it isn’t dangerous. They even have to keep an eye on the humans they know, just in case. These Cats know all of the good hiding spots in the house/apartment, including the ones that humans swear no Cat could fit into, and are generally of little use to anybody except when it is checkup time at the vet’s and it is important to be invisible.
Human Reactions: Laughter, dragging from under the bed, cruel jokes.
NickNames: Coward, Mr/Ms Invisible, Spooky, Furry Chicken.
Club Motto: “Yeek! What’s THAT?”
The Garbage Truck Club
Members of this club firmly believe that human food is God’s gift to Cats and that the kitchen and/or dining room are the centre of the universe. Anything that falls onto the floor is to be eaten immediately, and if the Cat can contrive to encourage the human to share voluntarily, so much the better. Hopping onto the counter to clean the plates or getting into the garbage can to check for leftovers are both considered acceptable, and the Master Garbage Truck is the one who can do this without getting squirted or otherwise “punished” by the humans. Lurking under a baby’s high-chair at feeding time is an excellent source of free food that won’t get you shouted at, since (probably, for once) you’re actually doing the lazy humans a service.
Human Reactions: Squirting, chasing, throwing things, ejection outside.
NickNames: Stomach with Legs, Garburator, Bottomless Pit, Greedo, Oinker, Treat-Seeking Missile.
Club Motto: “I’ll help you eat that!”
The Heat-Seeking Missile Club
These Cats believe in keeping warm at all costs. The best method is to lie right up against the heating vent. Make sure all
the warm air is absorbed into your fur. Careful grooming will be necessary to prevent a bad dandruff problem. When the heat is not running, more creative solutions must be found. Caving into the Cat bed, human bed, or any afghan or blanket available is good. It’s best if the blanket was already mounded up, so that the Cat is completely invisible underneath. As a last resort, curl up on a lap or with another Cat.
Human Reactions: Indifference, “Where’d all this Cat hair come from?”
NickNames: Comfort Creature, Hot Stuff.
Club Motto: “It’s cold out there!”
The Hedonist Club
Members of this club (and it is a very large one!) firmly believe that they can do whatever they want to and that no rules, human or otherwise, should apply to them. If they’re hungry, they want food NOW; if they want to be petted it had better be NOW; no area should be “off limits”, including counters and dressers; and so on. Attempts to discipline Hedonists will have no effect at all, no matter how draconian the punishment or how soaked the Cat gets from repeated squirting. Closed doors are a Great Affront to Hedonists who view them as a Restriction of Freedom. See also DOORS. This includes cupboards, cabinets, and closets.
Human Reactions: Shouting, swearing, chasing, squirting, ejection from house.
NickNames: You Little Monster, Menace To Society, various expletives.
Club Motto: “No? What does that mean?”
The “Hiyo Silver!” Club
Cats who belong to this club have discovered that riding on their human’s shoulders is a good, albeit somewhat precarious,way of staying with and supervising the human, as well as a free source of transportation. Since humans are  much taller than Cats, shoulders also provide an excellent launch point for otherwise inaccessible areas like high shelves which often have things on them which must be investigated for potential as toys and/or food. Getting on the shoulders is the easy part; directing the human to where you want to go (i.e. the shelves) is not, especially if the human has figured out that you want to go there and deliberately avoids it. Sadly, there is no way to direct them, so it is best to just climb on and hope the human’s activities naturally lead him or her to your desired destination. Be careful about using claws! Though the human expects a certain amount of claws due to your needs to maintain balance, excessive use will lead to unceremonious dumping. So will too-frequent attempts to Hamper, such as ear nibbling, hair chewing, swatting with the tail, or changing positions, as well as being “too fat”.
Human Reactions: Petting, scratching, dumping, “I am not a perch!”.
NickNames: (Cat fur colour) Rider, High-Jumper.
Club Motto: Move a bit closer to that shelf!
The Lap Fungus Club
Members of this club specialize in enslaving humans for the purpose of sleeping on their laps. As soon as a human is seated, his/her lap becomes available and should be occupied at once, after which time the Cat can get as much attention as s/he wants. See also LAPS.
Human Reactions: Petting, scratching, acceptance, reluctance to get up.
NickNames: Cuddler, Blanket Substitute, Shedding Machine.
Club Motto: “Sit down and I’ll be your friend.”
The Lazy Slug Club
Membership in this club consists primarily of Cats who have passed the prime of their lives, and now regard being active as something to be avoided and inertness as an art form. A member’s favourite game is “Snooze” (see GAMES). Any activity consists primarily of moving from one favourite sleeping spot to another, or to the litter box or food dish, though the occasional fit of playfulness is usually unavoidable due to the energy that does slowly build up. Humans usually refer (in a less than respectful manner) to members as Lap Fungus, Couch Fungus, or [insert any approximately horizontal surface] Fungus. This sort of lese-majeste should earn a human a shredding, but few members can be bothered to do more than glower balefully or twitch the tail. Lazy Slugs are easily recognized by their willingness to be brushed. After all, if the human is willing to groom them, why not let them have their wish? And it does reduce the hairball problem.
Human Reactions: Incredulity, checking for signs of life.
NickNames: Lump, Obstacle, Still Life.
Club Motto: “Zzzzz”.

15. BAD WEATHER

Bad weather, in the form of rain, snow, and/or excessive cold or heat, is always the fault of the humans. If the weather is inclement when the human opens the door to let you out, back away hastily and try another door. See also the “Door into Summer” Club. Be sure to stare accusingly at the human during this session. If all doors have the same bad weather and you manage not to get booted out, hop onto a window sill and gaze mournfully out at your domain. Then try again in about half an hour.

16. ON KITTENHOOD

Being a kitten is probably the best time of a Cat’s life. As a kitten, you can do almost anything and get away with it because, as the humans say, “Aww, (s)he’s so cute!” Practice the “butter won’t melt in my mouth” Look of Total Innocence now, as it is much more effective than when you are full-grown and “should know better”. Even if you are caught in the act of some mischief, the Look can can considerably reduce the scolding, and if mixed with the appropriate amount of fake penitence, get you picked up and cuddled. Be sure to make full use of all your excess energy by tearing around the house at full speed, attacking anything that moves, climbing the drapes, scooting across tables, counters and shelves, taste-testing plants and cords, and generally driving the humans crazy. When exhausted, flop down anywhere comfortable and sleep. After waking up, eat and continue the fun! You will quickly learn that night-time is the best time for playing because so many things can hide in the shadows.

17. TERRITORY MARKING

When marking your territory (spraying or plain urinating), make sure that it is in a place which the human *must* notice, such as the middle of the bed, on wallpaper, or against the fabric of a sofa or chair. Marking your territory is important if the human is silly enough to bring “company” for you inside the house. YOU are king of the household, not the human, and if the human has any Catsense at all, it will know this. Also, if the human has washed the blanket or other item which you have marked, be sure to wait a couple of days, and mark the item again in the very same place.

18. DOGS

As a species, dogs are animals which are in every way inferior to Cats. They are noisy, smelly, dirty, totally dependent on humans, and stupid (have you ever seen a Cat tangle with a skunk at all, let alone more than once?). Unfortunately, they are also for the most part larger than Cats. They are aware of their inferiority and quite resentful of it, using their greater size to harass Cats by chasing and/or barking at them at any opportunity in feeble attempts to make themselves appear superior to their betters. Dog-baiting can be a vastly entertaining sport if the dog is safely tied up in its yard or inside its human’s house. A Cat with nerves of steel can perch on a window sill and wash him/herself while the dog within hurls itself at the window on the other side in a frenzy of rage. Of course, should the human inside let the dog out, said Cat had better have somewhere to run for shelter! Of course, this is not to say that Cats and dogs can’t be friends or even live with the same humans, especially if both are raised from birth with each other, but these are exceptions. If you are on friendly terms with other cats, you can cooperate with them in dog-baiting to lure the dumb beast into a spot where you can all beat it up together. This can be risky if the dog is large and of a nasty temperament, so judge your target carefully!

19. PLANTS

Humans enjoy decorating our homes with plants, which is a good thing because they make the rooms look more like the great outdoors and you can rest beside them in the window and look more like the wild thing that you are. Many are also good for snacking when you’re in the mood for munchies and the food bowl is empty. Unfortunately, many can be quite poisonous to Cats, so be very careful what you choose to sample. The last thing you want is another trip to the Vet! Because humans value their plants, they can be used to enforce discipline with threats to knock them over, off shelves, or by pretending to nibble them. If there are plants in the bedroom, they can be used to wake the humans by getting up close and rustling the leaves loudly and, when you have their attention, starting to push the pot off the shelf. Be prepared to run or dodge the squirt bottle though, as they can be very protective of their greenery. Freshly cut flowers also add colour and life to a room, and present opportunities for snacking (though again be careful of the poisonous ones), discipline (see above), and general Hampering by forcing the humans to put them out of reach before they leave and hence slowing them down. Be careful though, as the vases contain Cat Solvent that could splash you when you tip them over.

20. CONCLUSION

Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smoothrunning household. Send other rules or suggested modifications to me, Harold Reynolds. The original author of the small list of Cat Rules is Cynthia Whitney, originally published in the October 9, 1989 Family Circle magazine.
The following agents of the Cat Slave Intelligence Service have made valuable contributions to the Cat Rules, at great risk to themselves:
Lisa Abildskov, Dave Blackburn, Lucy Burr, Vicki Burtch, Guy and Julia Burton, Lormè Coetsee, Karen Davis, Eva
Denison, Carolyn Devries, Thomas DiSessa, Denise Donaghy, Angi Douglas, Marcia Dycus, Sandy Feldman, Kevin Fox,
Mary Fox, Angelina Galindo, Paul Gilbert, John & Dee Hagger, Brenda Haramis, Jamie Hilverding, Ulrike Jaeger,
Jocelyn Jenik, Beth Johnson, Derrick Kirk, Connie Kleinjans, Karen Kotchek, Doug Kropp, Barb Kuchera, Dennis Kunze,
Anne Lafayette, Phillip Lafleur, Matthew Lecher, Ashley Madaris, Jules May, Patsy Mays, Megan McGuire, Dave
Merriman, Kathy Minicozzi,Susette Newberry, John Novello, Mollie O’Dell, Wes Peters, Kris Porto, Sally Santiago, Chris
Schenck, Werner Schwab, L. Scott, Evelyn Shockley, Deborah Simon, Susan Hattie Steinsapir, Kelly Tapani, Molly Thomas, Scott Thomas, Susan Turner, Julian Vrieslander, Brian Ward, Erin Valentino, Michael Varney, Catherine Wightwick, Larry Williams, Steven Woodford, Elizabeth Worden.
Illustrations contributed (with many thanks!) by Paul J. Lareau, and placed by Laurie Miller, former maintainer of the The
Malcolm Cat Protection Society (in Cyprus) WWW site.

“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” – Anonymous

I received this from a client of mine. She and I have both worked in boarding kennels, so this is especially funny for us, but I think anyone will appreciate the humor.  The article is from a magazine called Boarderline and was written by Jim Krack. The article was first published in 1982, but because of popularity, they published it again in 1989. Here it is:

A Day In The Life of a Boarding Kennel Operator

A friend of mine was in the kennel the other day, and as we chatted he said, ” I really envy you. I wish I could play with dogs and cats all day.” When I replied that I didn’t really have time to play with the boarding animals, he asked, “Well, what do you do all day?”

I decided to sit down and write out a list of all the things that occurred during a typical day, just to give him a better idea of what a kennel operator does with his or her time. The next time he came in, I gave him this list.

5:30AM- Got out of bed and took a quick shower so I could get into the kennel and start preparing morning medications and special diets.

6:00AM- Let dogs out and checked every run for any signs of problems.

6:30AM- Got grooming cards ready for scheduled appointments.

6:45AM- Opened office. Mrs. Wilson was waiting and complained that we don’t open early enough. She was not very happy.

7:00AM- Started cleaning inside kennel (kennel helper called in sick). Spent the next hour running between the kennel, the office and the phone.

7:45AM- Groomer didn’t show up for her first appointment. Called her landlady and was told that my groomer left town last night with her boyfriend and wouldn’t be back. Called my substitute groomer and persuaded her to cancel her motorcycle rally and come to work. She was not very happy.

8:00AM- Started grooming until substitute groomer got to kennel. Got bitten by a Scottie, not very deep. No sense in going to the doctor, and anyway, it’s my left hand. Groomer arrived at 8:30. Still not very happy.

8:30AM- Back into kennel to finish cleaning up.

9:00AM- Started feeding and giving morning medications.

9:15AM- Noticed that Mr. Fredrick’s dachshund, Ziggy, wasn’t eating very well. Took him into isolation room to keep an eye on him and called the veterinarian for an appointment.

9:45AM- Finished feeding and started cleaning up. Still running between office, phone and kennel.

10:45AM- Joe, the kennel helper, showed up with symptoms that he claimed are the flu. It looked like a hangover to me. While he finished the inside, I started the outside runs.

11:30AM- Joe finally finished the inside and took over outside for me. I took Ziggy to the vet’s office and waited in the reception room for an hour. Diagnosis indicates that Mr. Fredrick let Ziggy get into the trash before he brought him to the kennel. He passed a nylon stocking while the vet was examining him. The vet was not very happy about it.

12:45PM- Started cleaning cat room. Spent about 20 minutes trying to figure out who was sneezing. Finally discovered that it was Joe, eating his lunch outside the cat room window.

2:00PM- Finished the cat room in time to take the St. Bernard in run #2 to the airport. Discovered that the airline people gave me the wrong flight info over the phone. The flight they quoted only runs on Saturdays. Made arrangements for another flight. Called owner and gave him revised flight plans. He was not happy about it.

3:30PM- Arrived back at kennel to find that a water pipe in the grooming room had broken and flooded the room. Turned off water and repaired pipe. Delayed groomer for about 30 minutes. Groomer was not very happy about it.

4:00PM- Checked out grooming dogs after groomer left. Mrs. Phillips found out that a different groomer did her dog today and says that her poodle is “ruined.” Not very happy about it.

5:00PM- Started evening medications and feedings. Discovered that Joe didn’t order enough food and had to dash to the food store and pick up 300 lbs. I wasn’t very happy about it.

5:30PM- Locked dogs in and got ready to close up. Mr. Edwards called and asked if I could stay open for him. He was “just 20 minutes away.” Checked on animals one more time and stood around waiting for him.

6:30PM- Mr. Edwards still not here. Locked up office and went upstairs for dinner.

7:00PM- Started obedience class on front lawn. Listened to lady from class for 30 minutes after class telling about the cute things that her dog did that week (sounds like the same things that the man’s dog from my Thursday class did. I wonder if they both have the same dog?).

9:00PM- Started bookwork at the kitchen table. After paying the bills discovered that all the Christmas business will just pay my quarterly taxes.

10:30PM- Got a call from Mr. Fredrick about Ziggy. He has been thinking over the fact that he had to pay the vet’s bill and has decided that it isn’t fair. “After all, Ziggy did get sick at the kennel. Are you sure that one of the kennel workers didn’t give him a nylon stocking to play with?” I explained that he will have to pay the bill, but he wasn’t very happy about it.

11:00PM- Got a call from Mr. Edwards. In all the excitement over getting back home from his European vacation, he forgot to come for his dog, but he wants to come now. I explained that the kennel is closed and he complained about paying for another day. Not very happy about it.

11:45PM- Finished bookwork and turned in for the night (except for the short trip to kennel at 2:00AM to see why all the dogs were barking-everything is fine).

5:30AM- Here we go again!

After reading my account of a typical day, my friend decided that he doesn’t really want to open a boarding kennel. I can’t understand it. If he thought this was bad, he should see me at Christmas!

“The daily grind of hard work gets a person polished.”
~Unknown

My husband, Denny sent this to me in an email. I got a lot of smiles from it, I’m sure you will, too. It reminds me of my huge tuxedo cat, Ajax trying to squeeze into a tiny box…too funny!

Use the box side as a pillow.

Start from simple sleeping on your back…

or on your side.

If you are longhair, use the benefit of your coat and tail.

Remember that you and your box must nearly amalgamate.

Use your imagination: try S-like positions..

or C-like positions…

or even L-like ones..

If you totally trust your humans, relax your back legs to the maximum.

Sometimes O-like positions do not fit the box well, but you can always experiment.

If the box is rather small, try sticking your paws & tail out of it…

or stretch just one paw out, like this…

or like this…

Invite your friend to join you…

and enjoy it.

Your humans may wonder how you can sleep like that..

ignore them and enjoy..

Perhaps they will not even notice you..

Try disguise to avoid unwanted attention..

or you can hide in an absolutely unexpected box..

This position is for experienced yoga cats..

as well as this one..

Even small boxes can do..

Be creative..

Practice makes perfect. To get more experience use any structure you can find..

“When you are looking, a cat acts like a princess, but the minute they think you are not looking, a cat acts like a fool.” – KC Buffington

I’ve gotten this in my email box quite a few times and it never ceases to make me laugh, so I thought I’d share. Obviously this is NOT the correct way to give a pill to cat. I found a few links that do describe a better way to give your cat a pill and will list them below the article.

How to Give a Cat a Pill (followed by How to Give a Dog a Pill)

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop in the pill. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor, and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

4. Take new pill from foil wrapper. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force open the jaws and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws, ignoring low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigourously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, and get another pill from foil wrapper. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth, and set aside for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel, and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil, and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink one beer to take awy taste of pill. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage, and replace cupboard door on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot and drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check medical records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw away tee-shirt and fetch another one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrapper.

13. Tie the little sod’s front paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Fetch heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth, followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash down pill.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call in at furniture shop on the way home, to order new dining table.

15. Place “Free Mutant Cat from Hell” ad in local newspaper and ring local pet shop to see if they have any bunnies.

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

Humor put aside, I put a few links together to help you give your cat a pill.

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Cats are notoriously sore losers. Coming in second best, especially to someone as poorly coordinated as a human being, grates their sensibility. – Stephen Baker